you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
