the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
