He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize