U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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