Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
