I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Randomize
