Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
high people should be assigned attendants
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
