This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
