just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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