We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
