I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
