after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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