The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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