I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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