Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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