It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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