No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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