Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I think my moral compass just broke
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