And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
