Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
