My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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