don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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