he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
