were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
