take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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