Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
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Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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