my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
