Just fell off a train. Bad.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
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