I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
