you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
