My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
