Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
