Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
