I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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