Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
i think i just lost a toe
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
that may or may not have been my penis.
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