WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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