whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
either way he was missing a nipple.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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