dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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