You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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