Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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