Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
