in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
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