Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
