I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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