meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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