my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Your cock deserves a montage
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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