upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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