We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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