the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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