but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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