Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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