at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
