I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
