had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Randomize
