I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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