Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
