he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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