mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
