i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
