I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
