it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
