batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
